Plot, Please?

While out to dinner with some girlfriends a while back, we discussed the need to sometimes watch mindless television to decompress. For me, it is just necessary. Even watching beloved shows like the Daily Show or Colbert Report, funny though they are, isn't stress-relieving because the issues they talk about are real, sad, infuriating, etc. So, when it's just me and baby J, I need something I don't care too much about to be on the TV while I do chores, feed her, stuff diapers and generally multitask. Or sometimes it's nice just to hold her while she sleeps (though she's getting heeeavyy) and watch something mindless. Sometimes there's just nothing else on. Here are some random thoughts on recently (or not so recently) watched shows or movies:

• The Wolverine: A spin off movie in the X-Men series. I loved X-Men as a child and still enjoy seeing them being brought to life in film, corny comic-book-ness and all. However, this movie was only half thought out, as if the plot was constructed by 5th graders. It was layers of rescuing, fighting, fleeing, which in the end just seem like complete nonsense. Why would the evil villain go through all the rigmarole of {Spoiler alert, if you care, but you shouldn't} getting his granddaughter kidnapped just to entrap Wolverine to suck out his self-healing ability? He didn't even have a relationship with her at the beginning. Also, how may times can Wolverine pass out from his heroic fighting?  
• The Red Band Society: Dawson's Creek for sick kids? Something like that. It has all the melodrama of a teen show, though I appreciate that it does explore some very real health issues for kids: bone cancers, eating disorders, cystic fibrosis... I think I keep watching because I want to see what they do with the storyline on the girl with anorexia. So far they've actually done a pretty good job of developing it. But don't get too carried away, it's not a very good show.
• Selfie: Watched on demand just because there was some talk about it being unusual to have a non-typecast Asian male lead, which is great. I was also curious about the play on My Fair Lady. Not so great? The writing. The episodes have silly plots, the dialogue often tries too hard, a lot of the attempts at smart humor just don't work... Don't bother.
• That Awkward Moment: I swore I wouldn't watch this soley because of the horrible title, but I did in a moment of weakness. It was actually okay for a romantic comedy. I think it was a romantic comedy for dudes, a little bit? There wasn't anything particularly special about it, but I did feel like the dialogue felt very authentic to the mid-twenties to mid-thirties crowd. Shrug. It entertained me enough. 
• Girl Meets World: I loved Boy Meets World growing up! Girl Meets World brings back Corey and Topenga as parents of a teenage girl. I know it sounds like fun but it's not. The writing is terrible, the episodes I watched had really lame plots- really it seemed like each episode started with a one sentence idea, like "Daughter wants to be her own person!" and then a bunch of writers threw scenes together around the idea that are uncoordinated and supposed to be funny. Yikes. 

30 + 2

I keep thinking I'm 30, but today I turn 32. So far the thirties just feel like this one general decade of age. The thirties have been pretty good to me, so far. Every now and then my birthday overlaps (or almost overlaps) with Father's Day, which is always a little sad for me. It's been nearly 14 years since my father passed away, even though it doesn't always feel that long ago. Almost half my life has gone by, and along with it, so many milestones I wish I could have shared with him: college graduation, law school graduation, becoming a lawyer, getting married, having a first child... but even so, I'm so thankful that I had a father who loved me and believed in me. I attribute most of the values I hold dear today to his good work as a parent.

Random list of things I've learned on my 31st year:

• Being a parent is harder than you can ever imagine, though it's totally worth it. 
• Having a child changes a lot of relationships (mostly for the better!): the meaning of family first is very different. 
• All moms are champions but moms who nurse are special champions- it is such a commitment and such hard work!
• It's still hard for me to ask for help and to ask for grace. I need lots of grace and have been blessed with lots of it despite having discovered some of my worst this past year.
• I'm in a pretty good place for being my age. :)
• I was way late on the Modern Family bandwagon but it is an awesome show!
• I will not being able to do everything just the way I want it, and that's okay.

The Cloth Diapering Life Part I

I hope the fact that I am writing about cloth diapering doesn't mean that I've officially become boring. One of these days I'll have time to think about things outside of work and baby! But in the meantime, this might be helpful if you are considering going cloth!

We got a variety of cloth diapers to try. I'll be honest though, the first two weeks we had so much going on (Jude had to get surgery on an eye cyst), and we were so exhausted, we used the Pampers Swaddlers that someone had given us. We also were having a hard time tracking if she'd peed or not since it'd always happen with a giant wet poop, so the blue line on the swaddlers really gave me peace of mind when I was still working on breastfeeding.

Anyway, once we got our feet on the ground, I've gotten in a good rotation of washing every other day and drying them on the drying rack. Here's the breakdown on diapers, in order of use (Newborn for Part I, One Size for Part II):


Little Joey's: Newborn all-in-ones. We only had two of these, because they were pricey (got them from our registry).

• Pros: Like the snap down to protect the umbilical cord. Really good fit for when J was a skinny little newborn- never leaked, very absorbent, and she didn't seem to be swimming in them. All in one, so no need to take apart for washing.
• Cons: Since we don't use the dryer for the diapers, these always took the longest (in the winter) to dry. Also, if you don't use liners, poop is pretty hard to get completely out of the seams. As much as I loved these for the fit and absorbency, J grew out of these in about a month, so not sure more would have been worth the price.

Bumgenius Newborn All-in-One: We had 3 of these- also a little pricey but really nice for the early days.

• Pros: Obviously sized for your bitty new baby, plus the hook and loop closures and all in one package makes it just as easy as disposable diapers. They don't quite have the low front like the Little Joey's for the umbilical cord and I still folded it down a little, but really wasn't a problem. These dried faster than the Joey's. Really made life easy at the beginning. 
• Cons: Pretty pricey, and J outgrew these way before she was 12 pounds- even before she was 11 pounds, because she's long. 

Kawaii Little Green Baby Bamboo: Newborn sized pocket diapers. I bought 9 of these during a flash sale (they were $5 a piece).

• Pros: These are a good size for skinny newborns, and much less bulky. The regular price of $7.75 makes them very afforadable, plus they can be worn up to 22 pounds. The velcro is nice (non-scratchy) and makes these very similar to disposables.
• Cons: The bamboo generally takes a bit longer to line dry, and the laundry tabs are wearing out so now the velcro comes loose in the washer and sticks to other stuff. They also just don't seem as well constructed- I'm constantly cutting off stray threads from the velcro pieces, though to be fair, it's not that they are falling apart or anything. We do tend to get leaks around the thigh area the most from these, less now that J has much chunkier thighs. It takes a few tries to fasten the velcro in a way that seems to properly secure around the leg area. 

Kawaii Pure and Natural (0-15 months): I think these are my overall favorite newborn pocket diapers. I have 3 and I just ordered 6 more.

• Pros: They are super affordable ($6.99 regular, but look for sale days!). The sizing makes it less bulky (vs. Bumgenuis or the one size Kawaii daipers) and you can still get use out of them for the first year. We were able to start using these pretty early on in the newborn days. The pockets dry much faster than the bamboo, and the diaper is very absorbent.
• Cons: I guess the only downside is that baby will outgrow these before she outgrows diapers, but they are so affordable in comparison, I think they are worth it.

To be continued!

Something's gotta give

Where I'm at in list form:

• Went back to work after 6 weeks. Note to self: really should try to take 8 weeks minimum if I ever decide to have another child. 
• Last week I got a breast infection. It did not feel good. 
• I found the best tip ever for pumping: refrigerate the pump parts between pumps and reduce washing! I can't tell you the number of times I've washed pieces in the middle of the night and wanted to just throw them on the ground and go to bed.
• After work yesterday, Jude decided she needed to eat for 2 hours straight.
• Last night, I woke up with some weird form of acid reflux where it felt like I dry-swallowed a horse pill and it was just sitting in the bottom of my throat. 
• Yesterday I reflected on my day when I finally got to bed and realized I spent exactly 30 minutes relaxing/doing something non-essential.
• Today I caught myself standing in the work kitchen eating the leftover veggie tray from last week's office potluck and a bag of croutons. 
• I feel guilty for feeling bad.

Snuggling with my baby girl still makes me remember it's all worth it, but oh my am I exhausted. Some days, I just feel defeated.

To new moms out there everywhere, hang in there if you know what I'm talking about. To not-so-new moms out there, hats off to you.

The Other Side: Parenthood

Here we are on the other side of pregnancy: meet Jude. Of course as her mother, I think she's the cutest. She decided to start her arrival shortly after her tired parents went to bed early February, so it was an overnight labor. Labor is really like nothing else I've ever experienced, and it went relatively smoothly and at 10 am the next morning our lives changed forever. It's cliche but it's true.

The past two and a half months have melted together and rapidly run its course. Six weeks of maternity leave left me feeling like I had barely gotten the hang of things: I've learned quickly that being a new parent can really give your self-confidence a shake. Prior to Jude, I felt in pretty good control of my life and competent. None of the classes, baby books, or Googling helped make me feel like I knew what I was doing when suddenly I was in charge of this tiny, wonderful, little person. Nothing prepared me for feeling like I have lost half of my brain from being sleep deprived. Nothing prepared me for how much work and how constraining nursing is. Nothing prepared me for the feeling of having two jobs- my career and my child. Is this how all new moms feel or am I just less capable of transitioning and handling things than I thought? 

I'm so exhausted. I have so much to be thankful for- a healthy, happy, baby girl who has the most adorable coos and smiles, among the many, but I feel so drained. It's no joke when people say the first few months are hard. So hard. Some days I feel pretty good about things going smoothly, other days it seems like one event out of place and plan will set a chain of little mishaps. I'm too type A to not feel thrown off, but I know I will have to learn to stand it.

But that's just today, this moment. I am on antibiotics and achy all over. I'll check in on a better day and maybe I'll tell you how cloth diapering is going (it's totally doable and worth it!). 

End of January Brain Dump

It's official, baby J, per her grandmother's wishes, will be born in the Year of the Horse. She's also held out for her dad to argue his big hearing this week, so I'm thinking, let's get this show on the road! The doctor seemed to think baby J was going to make her appearance this week, but who could blame her for wanting to stay in with this week's subzero temperatures? Anyway, we're on countdown, which is surprisingly exhausting. We have managed to watch a lot of movies/shows:

• Marvel's The Avengers- Wow. I was just looking for some mindless entertainment, but I couldn't even muster any enthusiasm for this movie. Loose and silly plot, all around bland.
• Sunshine- A team of futuristic scientist/astronauts are sent on a mission to throw a nuke on the dying Sun to recharge it and save the Earth from extinction. Sounds like an interesting plot, right? Well, Danny Boyle took an interesting idea that could have explored some major character evolution and acceptance of death and sacrifice for the greater good... but without ruining it for you, let's suffice it to say after one too many calamities, the plot twist devolved the movie into a total joke.
• American Hustle- great cast, very entertaining, but almost too formulaic con-artist movie. 
• Five Days- HBO miniseries from 2007 that explores 5 24-hour periods in the case of a missing woman. For the genre, really well done. No ridiculous twist but a straightforward examination of people during this type of crisis, including a pretty good handling of some race issues on the side. 
• True Detective- new HBO series. Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are throughly entertaining and again, for the genre, which I generally am pretty skeptical about, I am really enjoying this show! 
• Girls- (HBO) All I can say is, losing its charm. Rapidly. 
• The Age of Innocence- Well done, true to the book, but only bearable if you are in the mood for rich people problems (in the 1870's). Also, random amusement from the excess of hideous tulle wrapped around fancy dresses? I was skeptical about the casting of Michelle Pfieffer as Countess Olenska, but in the end, she did it pretty well. Still not who I had envisioned.

Out of abundance of caution, we've been carpooling to work all week, so I've had a lot of time to observe the drive into Cincinnati and across the river from the passenger side seat. It's amazing how you can see things you never notice if you just shift your perspective a little (and also when you don't have to focus on the road). It was gloomy and gray this morning, but as we crossed the Roebling Bridge, I still was struck by how pretty our city is. Since we've been back, Cincinnati has continued to garner recognition nationally: one of 2014's most affordable cities to live in, subject of a photographer's admiration and surprise (check out these gorgeous photos), and the top starter of Twitter trends. Not that we don't have our issues, but what city doesn't?

In other news, it's been a season of loss for our extended family and other friends. One of the toughest (though all losses are tough), was baby Connor. Connor had CHARGE syndrome, but spent 15 months of his amazing life defying the odds, making people happy, and living so well. His passing came suddenly, and his wonderful parents have been an inspiration. There are no words to express the many emotions that come knowing that this incredible couple has gone through so much, but I hope to honor them and Connor by remembering to live and not just survive, and to love and practice gratitude. Read more about Connor here and on his Facebook page.

This will probably be the last post of this pregnancy- wish me luck!

2013 Review, 2014 Adventures

It's Sunday afternoon. The husband is at the Bengals playoff game. Laundry is going. I really need to shake out the tablecloth in the kitchen, which I've been procrastinating from for no good reason. And it's 2014. We're on countdown- 35 days (more or less) until the due date: Baby laundry half done. Cloth diapers in the process of being prepped (so many washes for those damn organic/natural material ones!). People have told me I will start "nesting," and I suppose these activities are "nesting" but for some reason I don't love the term. It sounds so gendered and 50's housewife-esque. All this work is pretty practical preparation for what's to come, and hopefully will make the first few months less insane and stressful.

I'm trying to keep nervousness at bay about labor, and of course the fact that in a short period of time, we're going to be wholly responsible for a new little life. This year is going to be full of new things: parenthood, husband's new job in April, new responsibilities at work, and getting healthcare through the government exchange! I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

The weather so far has not been dropping to subzero temperatures and snowing as predicted. I will never cease to be amused at how people in Cincinnati flood and pillage the grocery stores at the sign of some snow (and ransack the milk aisle, of all things). The likelihood of being snowed or iced in for more than 24-48 hours is so slim here it's laughable, and I promise you, if that did happen, you won't be kicking yourself for not having milk. 

2013 Review: high and lowlights, lessons learned- in List Style, of course:

• Baby miscarriage to start off the year. Hard to believe an entire year has passed. A lesson in grief, loss, keeping faith, and awareness of a hardship that happens to so many mommas.
• Job promotion of sorts.
• Had some actual juvenile cases, and went to trial (and won!).
• Chairing a committee for the local bar association Young Lawyers Section- after pulling back from leadership for a while, I'm back in, for better or for worse.
• Volunteering at the long awaited Citylink Center. 
• Growing baby J. Pregnancy is a weird experience. You have a little alien growing inside of you. Everything feels uncomfortable. You have pregnancy brain (it's a real thing.) Your body stretches more than you thought it ever could. People feel free to talk about your body without invitation. I am not one of those mothers who love pregnancy, and am quite okay with that.
• Finding out my little brother's baby will be due just a month after baby J!
• Two wonderful trips to Colorado (minus the part where we spent 30 some hours between airports). Second trip, baby J came with us, so she's been hiking, already! Hope she'll love outdoors and hiking as much as mom and dad.
• DOMA mostly struck down! Hurray for love!

Checking in- Third Trimester (Already?)

After a prolonged summer and strange short fall, winter seems to be creeping in stealthily and rapidly. I can't tell if the sniffling haze my head is in is a continuation of allergies or if I'm finally, truly, succumbing to a cold. I suppose I will find out soon. Our due date is also rapidly approaching, if not quite stealthily since it seems every day I am newly surprised at how much further my stomach can stretch. The books and online baby websites tell me I have some 4-6 pounds of baby growth to go, though I can't currently even imagine this. 

When February comes, it will just be a little over a year after the loss of the first little friend I had growing inside of me. I've been incredibly blessed so far this time around with a relatively easy pregnancy, though it's still been a constant fight to balance caution and self-care with rampant paranoia and fear. The amount of potential problems and dangers in pregnancy that can be discovered on the internet is endless and ridiculous. Some days it's hard to keep faith that just because things went badly once, that they wouldn't go badly again, and also hard to comprehend how even more devastating it could be if things went badly this time. I just had a really bizarre week of crazy dry eye and a tiny possible case of the shingles?? 

Most days, though, I try to live in the now- things are good, I am healthy, the baby is healthy and kicking, and it's all gone by so very fast. It's been interesting to go through the pregnancy experience, with unexpected (or totally expected) feelings about my changing body, and things I can't do or eat or drink. The nearing holidays herald my last trimester, and for me and this baby girl, I'm committing to taking a step back from the usual stressors of gifts, shopping, and family, and just trying to focus on gratitude.

Generally, when people ask me if this is my first, I say yes. While technically this is my second pregnancy but my first child, who really wants to know that backstory? At the same time, I feel torn because I want more people to know about how common and difficult pregnancy loss is. I want them to know that even though I am having a fairly breezy pregnancy, it came after a really hard time. I want other women who are trying or have gone through pregnancy loss to know that it's not just them, and all those awful ugly emotions you go through happen to a lot of us. So, for all of you, I wanted to share this great blog post (that has links to a few other great posts): http://www.lipstickandpolitics.com/lipstick/why-cant-we-talk-about-miscarriage. I'm thinking of you.

This Shouldn't Happen in the United States

The Atlantic posted this article two days ago: "Half a Life In Solitary: How Colorado Made a Young Man Insane." It's a seriously sobering look at one of the most inhumane practices we have in our country, and heartbreaking to see how mentally ill this person has become. What's the point? Why are we doing this?

The Wasted Privilege of Voting

Let me confess this first: I used to be apathetic and only voted for presidential elections. In the past few years, I've "grown up" about this important right. When I read news from around the world and see how people in other countries so cherish the right to vote and struggle for it, it almost feels like a moral duty to exercise my right to vote. 

This year, the city of Cincinnati experienced an extremely low voter turn out, with the approximate turn out rate of about 30%. Even worse, I'm convinced that informed and intelligent people are not the majority of those who show up at the polls. I'm concerned about us, America. All of us. Let me tell you why by describing my voting experience this year, even though this only touches the tip of the iceberg. 

Since we now live outside of the Cincinnati city limits, I sadly was not able to vote on city issues, but I can tell you about voting in a small "village" in Hamilton County. I was supposed to choose 4 village council members and some board of elections members. I got two fliers from candidates on the council that said essentially nothing substantial about what their vision was for our village prior to elections. One of the candidates came by in person with his wife and talked to my husband. I looked up every person on the ballot online and could not find any information about who I was voting for, except for one person on Facebook. When I went to the polls, two other candidates gave me their cards, which also said nothing substantial. 

I know this is a tiny example, but how is it that there is an expectation of voting blindly? I can't vote for people to represent me when I don't know who they are and what is important to them. But people do that every election. People need to care and demand that they are informed. 

Larger example: The big battle in the mayoral race for Cincinnati was over the Cincinnati Streetcar. There are claims that it would be worth it to deal with all the litigation costs of backing out of all the contracts already in place for a project that has already started construction, and that somehow this would be cheaper and better. There have been no real numbers to prove this, but people voted based on a candidate's position on the streetcar anyway (but only about 30% of the city voters). Now our mayor elect wants to scrap a project that is in line with all the up and coming cities across the country. That could be a whole long rant, but I don't want to ruin my Friday.

Shouldn't we want more- demand more? Doesn't the precious right to vote deserve more thought?

Silence

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.”
― Ansel Adams

I've been driving to and from work largely in silence, lately. There are too many words and clutter and it really gets hard to see clearly sometimes. Too much about the ridiculous government shutdown. Talking points, talking points, talking points. No substance. 

Maybe it'd be more bearable if I haven't also been bombarded by a host of family issues. It's easy to retreat into my own little life here in Cincinnati, where the world still feels like my oyster, and it's for the most part, drama free. Unfortunately, the box of crazy that my mother has managed to open up following my dad's death over 10 years ago has been unrelentingly progressing down a course of total calamity. Dramatic words, I know, but you wouldn't quite believe me if I told you. And I've heard some crazy and sad stories in my line of work. One day I'm going to write a book about it.

If you have family members or other loved ones that are constantly in crisis, sometimes it feels like a boulder from which you'll never quite be able to extricate all your limbs. It's a lifetime of practice to be able to separate yourself from the smothering hopelessness to preserve yourself. It is a lot of work.

So, I've been driving in silence to drown it out. I tried something different this week. I committed to lighting a candle each day and just praying for my family. Nothing huge or crazy, but it was something more than what I've really done before. No harm to it, really, when it seems like there's nothing else to try. Some really great friends even fasted a day for me. *Somehow the rest of this post didn't get saved! Redo*. That same day, I got connected with a great resource and some referrals for my mom and sister. Nice.

Trying to savor the time I have for silence- I know there might not be a lot in the months to come, but I hope can can hold on to the memory of the peaceful nothingness, at the very least.

Oh, it's fall.

St. Mary's Glacier

Fall is the most wonderful season in the Midwest. The air is crisp, it's still warm enough to be comfortable, and it's usually sunny. It feels like the world has finally snapped out of the languid late summer haze and stepped into action. Plus, college football is back!

We had a lovely vacation in Colorado over Labor Day weekend (and then some). It was nice to mosey around our old haunts, see our friends, and to see some mountains. We were even able to hike up to St. Mary's Glacier. While it was a terribly slow hike between me being pregnant and neither of us having our mountain lungs anymore, the view by the lake and glacier was worth it. It's impossible not to feel a sense of renewed wonder when you are in the midst of perfect natural beauty. 

I (we've) made it halfway through this pregnancy! I still have moments when I'm sure something will go wrong and am scared, but really, I've been blessed and I know it. It hasn't been a particularly difficult pregnancy. It's been an interesting challenge to experience this radical change to my body. I'll just be glad to get to the other end and meet- her! 

As I am wont to do- here's a random list of my life, lately:

• In the middle of a great book (on tape) about introverts: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. Really fascinating. I am realizing more and more that I am an introvert (that loves people).
• Loved this amazing article in the Huffington Post about Generation Y: Why Generation Y Yuppies are Unhappy. It's so on the nose.
• Training mania at work. 
• Made a scrumptious flourless chocolate cake. 
• Enjoyed a small harvest of pretty tomatoes from the garden, and a relatively large harvest of jalepenos and green peppers.  Yum. Meanwhile, the garden has grown rather wild.
• Jumped back into Breaking Bad for second half of the final season. Don't regret at all just reading Wikipedia to catch up from seasons three and four, and glad to catch these very fantastic last episodes.

Serving "the Other Man"

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. -Clarence Darrow

When I left the Colorado Public Defender's Office, my beloved colleagues gave me a plaque with this inscription, thanking me for my time defending "the other man." I think a lot about the other man, both in the legal context and outside of it, because that "other" is often the same. Minority. Poor. Mentally ill. The least of these brothers and sisters. I really believe that if I care, then my life should reflect it.

Recently, I served dinner to the Over-the-Rhine community at Nast Trinity Church with my bar association. Nast Trinity serves dinner to the OTR community every Sunday evening. I'll be honest: I was tired from traveling and dreading going, even though I knew it was for a good cause. When I walked up to the church steps, right outside of beautiful Washington Park, there were homeless men and women scattered in various doorways. One person was curled up under an archway sleeping. Just inside the doors, the kitchen and dining area awaited. 

The small group of volunteers set up tables, made lemonade from powder in huge coolers, put together salad, heated up food, and then we served about 200 people in three groups. Most of our diners ate silently, the majority of the noise coming from us, the volunteers, chatting with each other or asking if anyone wanted seconds. I thought about this, compared to when I go somewhere to eat and get served. I thought about what it would be like to go eat somewhere out of necessity and not necessarily out of pleasure. I thought about how I have no idea what it would be like to sleep on a church step, or to plan your meals around the time there is free food available somewhere. 

It felt right to serve, though I don't know if my being there meant anything to the people I served. It certainly meant something to me. It meant that the other work I do, either volunteering at places like the CityLink Center or through my career, no matter how little change it seems to bring at first, does mean something for anyone I am able to push forward just a little bit out of poverty. It also seemed right to be of service to those who would never be treated the same way I am when entering a store or restaurant, and perhaps in most other times in their day walk around as the "other"- the lesser. I suppose in the end, all I'm saying is, for those of us who are more fortunate, it does our souls good to remember those who are not, and to see them face to face. 

Who Makes Up "National ______ Day?"

Today is National Book Lovers Day. I often wonder who comes up with these days and how it is that some mechanism out there wastes time on propagating "National" days. Not that I'm opposed to celebrating the love of books, since I love books. 

In honor of the day, I thought I'd list my top reads/recommended fiction from the last year, in no particular order.

1. The Cove, by Ron Rash
2. We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves, Karen Joy Fowler
3. Where'd You Go, Bernadette, Maria Semple
4. Wonder, R.J. Palacio (Young Adult)
5. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky (Young Adult)
6. The Book Thief, Markus Zusak (Young Adult)
7. Winter's Bone, Daniel Woodrell
8. This is Where I Leave You, Jonathan Tropper
9. This is How You Lose Her, Junot Diaz

In other news, I think I finally feel safe enough to type the words: I'm pregnant (again). 14 weeks tomorrow. Took us about 3 months again. It's been going pretty well, though I still feel like I'm holding my breath a little (or a lot). It's a little scary, and a lot is changing already. I'm happy but scared to be too happy. So many of our friends have had heartbreak after heartbreak. Then again, I feel guilty to be less excited than I should, because if this kiddo makes it to birth, we're pretty damn lucky. For those of you out there that are trying, so much love to you.

Deep breath. Here we go....

Inequality, Racism, and Individual Responsibility

There has been so much talk the past month or two about the Trayvon Martin verdict. I've been thinking about this a lot and discussing with my husband and close friends. So, disclaimer before I tell you what I think: I'm not an expert, though I have a public defender background that informs a lot of my perspective. This only reflects my personal views and not of any organizations I am employed by or affiliated with. In no way am I trying to minimize the tragic circumstances of Trayvon's death, his family's loss, and the larger issues of racism (which is still alive and well!!) and what this incident represents to the black community. These are just my thoughts on a really tough case and what this should mean for each of us, who are not directly involved. 

1. We should be respectful of the jury's decision, even if we might disagree. I still believe our justice system, though eternally flawed, is still the best in the world. I also know that what the media portrays and what actually happens through the course of the trial can be very different. I truly believe that most jurors take their charge to find someone guilty or not guilty very seriously. I believe that the jurors in this case took this seriously and made a decision based on the evidence presented. They are asked to lay aside emotion and all other circumstances and decide a specific issue: whether or not George Zimmerman committed the crime he was accused of. Even if they wanted to convict, they did not feel the prosecution proved its case based on the universe of law they had to operate within. 
2. George Zimmerman is responsible for creating the situation, but that does not necessarily mean he is guilty of the crime charged. Of course Trayvon's death should never have happened. Of course it would not have happened, had he not been unfairly profiled due to his race, gender, and appearance. However, that in and of itself is not a crime, according to the laws in Florida.
3. Vilifying does not solve the problem. Vilifying a defendant in cases like this does not further a solution to the very deep-rooted and on-going race issues in our country. It only serves to increase tension and strife, and in reality, perpetuates the unfortunate and insidious type of assumptions about another person that led to Trayvon's death in the first place.
4. Acknowledging humanity in others goes a long way. George Zimmerman failed to recognize the individual humanity of Trayvon Martin when he became "suspicious" of his behavior. I wonder what could happen, if he just acknowledged his own human failing in that situation- that he fell prey to his own biases. And what would happen if we ourselves acknowledged to ourselves that we all have our biases and extend forgiveness to each other for them? I think it might open the door for meaningful and life changing conversations- because I truly believe that most real change in perspective and understanding of others comes from direct, honest, and one-on-one conversations with a person that seems "other" to you. Maybe this means for us to make progress in racial healing, we have to extend the acknowledgment of humanity to George Zimmerman as well, even if he failed to do so for Trayvon. It means to set an example to him of what it means not to judge someone you don't know, and not to make assumptions about someone's entire person because of one action they take. 
5. If we purport to care about racial issues, we should act on this in our own lives, every day. There has been a fair amount of outcry and outrage over the verdict. I think it's important that this case is a catalyst for conversation, but the conversation has to be meaningful. It is not meaningful to label someone else a racist. It will not change that person's views or biases. It is meaningful to form relationships with people who are different than you, and to practice respect and extend dignity to everyone you meet, regardless of how deserving or undeserving you think they are. I think that genuine relationships or extensions of kindness are how you ultimately change hearts and minds.

I'm trying to remember to find the humanity in the people I encounter every day. (Read this great opinion article in the Washington Post by an amazing defense attorney about finding humanity in "society's worst").

Thoughtful discussion welcome.

Simple Gifts

On Monday evening, we had a half sky of rain and half sky of sun and a perfect rainbow and produced an amazing gift of weather for a July in Ohio. It's beautiful and not a drop of humidity in the air. I've never walked outside during this time of the year and been able to enjoy the sun without working up a sweat before. It fills me with a little awe every time I walk outside. I suppose we might as well enjoy the fruits of global warming if we have to. 

Today, my co-worker and I took a short walk break around the block and stopped in the Cathedral Basilica to look around on a whim. It is stunning. You must at least look at this 360 degree photo here: http://rackphoto.com/pp/prayerplaces/st-marys-cathedral-basilica-of-the-assumption/. I had no idea that Covington, Kentucky was home to a church with the largest stained glass windows in the world. It reminds me that religion can bring beautiful expression out of people, and not just the ugly that it seems we are exposed to daily. 

Apropos of Nothing

I just love this song- it's so beautiful and it really gets me every time, so since it's Friday, I thought I'd post. Enjoy.

In the Name of Love

I've been thinking of this post since the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and Prop 8. Marriage equality is the source of such strong, impassioned opinion. Growing up in a conservative Christian home, I can't say that I always fell on the right side of this issue, though in my heart I always knew what felt right. My mother and I had a rather terse conversation about marriage equality, which resulted in her exclaiming aghast, "But you are a Christian!". Yes, I do consider myself a Christian. I believe in loving your neighbor as yourself. In loving all people the way Jesus did. I also consider myself American, and celebrate the freedom we have as Americans to believe as we will and do as we will (though lately, it seems with greater restriction). Here's what I believe deep in my heart about sexual identity: it is not something most, if any, of us choose. I also believe that if two people love each other and want to be committed to each other for life, it makes absolutely no sense not to honor that. How wonderful it is. I guarantee you that the vast majority of gay and lesbian couples that decide to adopt or choose other means to have children, that they will probably be equal or better parents than 80% of straight couples. They have to work much harder and show much more dedication to become parents. And, in the end, I simply don't understand why people of a certain religious belief feel so threatened by marriage equality. First of all, I fail to see how this is harming others. Secondly, we live in a country where we are blessed to believe what we wish about religious, and it is hypocritical to insist on your own beliefs and taking away that choice from others. Finally, this doesn't take away from marriage- it elevates how special it is to some of us, and honors that choice of commitment.

Which brings me to my second thought on love: real, sustaining, committed love is a choice. While there are some out there who may fall in love a la Romeo and Juliet (all consuming, desperate, dramatic, throw all caution to the wind kind of love), that's not reality for most of us and there's nothing wrong with that! I think it's a great shame when people let go of great partnerships because they've been led to believe that if you don't feel that Romeo and Juliet love about someone, then it must not be meant to be. The husband and I went to see Before Midnight yesterday. It was by far the best of the three movie series, because it was so real. I read a review where the reviewer regretted seeing this side of the relationship between Celine and Jesse, after the loving romance of the first two movies. I feel the opposite: gone is that young, generalized, self-indulgent love, and instead it's reality: love can be work, love might mean making a choice at the end of a hard day or ugly disagreement that you will stay and continue to accept the other person. That you will choose to remember all the things that make you great together. I think that kind of love is the most beautiful. But that's just my opinion.

What Matters

One of the nicer things about getting older is gaining perspective. If you haven't found that age has been helping you gain perspective, I highly recommend looking into it. What mattered on my 31st birthday was different than say, my 21st. No need to get a large group of friends together to celebrate- I love my friends and feel loved all the time. My husband does nice things for me and shows his love regardless of the day. Like when I've been cranky and sick for the past two weeks and he has taken care of me. Like the day he got home from work early and made a huge pot of chili. I'm just generally happy to be me, and though there will always be room for improvement and growth, I am aware of who I am, who I used to be, and it's all good.

Another happy symptom of age or growth is the ability to let things go. I'm certainly not perfect at this, but it's much easier now to understand that many people I've invested in during my lifetime are just going to be temporarily part of my life. They were there and I learned what lessons I could, and then it's time to move on. I used to agonize over this (and still do some), about what it all means, about what cutting of ties would mean about my investment, or about who I am- but, as my best friend and I discussed recently, it's not a statement of any of that. We learn from each other (hopefully), and then we continue on with those lessons to hopefully be better than we were before. I think for most people, the scope of your social world starts to narrow as you become an adult, and that's not always a bad thing. You just hang on to the friends that you can pick up with at any point in time and enjoy what time you have with each other.

I worry that social media unhealthily makes us linger rather than moving on. (Read a great piece from the Times on how social media diminishes the quality of our social connections). The temptation to know what happened to people after your intersection with their lives is huge. Connections that really have ended a long time ago are still holding on by fragments through Facebook and the like. Not that it's bad to "keep in touch" this way, but it can also become the breeding grounds for showing off, comparing, and passive cyber stalking. It makes it hard to say what needs to be said (implicitly) sometimes: "I care about you and wish you the best, but we don't need to keep tabs on each other anymore. I free you from this obligation so you can live your own life more fully. I've learned from you and I hope you have learned from me."

ING sent me this video for my birthday, which I know is an advertising gimmick, but all the same, I thought it was sweet. Plus the paper tears are cute. So I'll end  this random rambling on this note:

Play

By a fluke of scheduling that didn't work out, I had about a half hour to spare before volunteering today. I ended up at Washington Park, and it was just a perfect half hour. In the water fountains, little kids were running around with perfect glee and fearlessness. Parents basked in the sun or helped their younger children partake in the water play.  Sounds from the packed playground wafted over to my bench. A young dad and his little girl left their stroller and bag next to me, with weird implicit trust that I would watch it while they played. I don't play enough- not in a way that is as happy and uninhibited as these children, but I think I need to.