Something's gotta give

Where I'm at in list form:

• Went back to work after 6 weeks. Note to self: really should try to take 8 weeks minimum if I ever decide to have another child. 
• Last week I got a breast infection. It did not feel good. 
• I found the best tip ever for pumping: refrigerate the pump parts between pumps and reduce washing! I can't tell you the number of times I've washed pieces in the middle of the night and wanted to just throw them on the ground and go to bed.
• After work yesterday, Jude decided she needed to eat for 2 hours straight.
• Last night, I woke up with some weird form of acid reflux where it felt like I dry-swallowed a horse pill and it was just sitting in the bottom of my throat. 
• Yesterday I reflected on my day when I finally got to bed and realized I spent exactly 30 minutes relaxing/doing something non-essential.
• Today I caught myself standing in the work kitchen eating the leftover veggie tray from last week's office potluck and a bag of croutons. 
• I feel guilty for feeling bad.

Snuggling with my baby girl still makes me remember it's all worth it, but oh my am I exhausted. Some days, I just feel defeated.

To new moms out there everywhere, hang in there if you know what I'm talking about. To not-so-new moms out there, hats off to you.

The Other Side: Parenthood

Here we are on the other side of pregnancy: meet Jude. Of course as her mother, I think she's the cutest. She decided to start her arrival shortly after her tired parents went to bed early February, so it was an overnight labor. Labor is really like nothing else I've ever experienced, and it went relatively smoothly and at 10 am the next morning our lives changed forever. It's cliche but it's true.

The past two and a half months have melted together and rapidly run its course. Six weeks of maternity leave left me feeling like I had barely gotten the hang of things: I've learned quickly that being a new parent can really give your self-confidence a shake. Prior to Jude, I felt in pretty good control of my life and competent. None of the classes, baby books, or Googling helped make me feel like I knew what I was doing when suddenly I was in charge of this tiny, wonderful, little person. Nothing prepared me for feeling like I have lost half of my brain from being sleep deprived. Nothing prepared me for how much work and how constraining nursing is. Nothing prepared me for the feeling of having two jobs- my career and my child. Is this how all new moms feel or am I just less capable of transitioning and handling things than I thought? 

I'm so exhausted. I have so much to be thankful for- a healthy, happy, baby girl who has the most adorable coos and smiles, among the many, but I feel so drained. It's no joke when people say the first few months are hard. So hard. Some days I feel pretty good about things going smoothly, other days it seems like one event out of place and plan will set a chain of little mishaps. I'm too type A to not feel thrown off, but I know I will have to learn to stand it.

But that's just today, this moment. I am on antibiotics and achy all over. I'll check in on a better day and maybe I'll tell you how cloth diapering is going (it's totally doable and worth it!).