That Little Heartstring

My latest musical obsession has been Badly Drawn Boy. We watched Being Flynn the other day, mostly by accident when it was on TV. About 5 minutes into watching it, I had a feeling that the movie would be tugging on one of my heartstrings, and it did. The kind of tugging that feels painful but cathartic, like you might need to have a cleansing cry about it. It's a somewhat heart-wrenching but wryly written film about parent child relationships and coming of age. You should watch it. Anyway, Badly Drawn Boy wrote the entire soundtrack, and this is the song I particularly loved. There's something about a song that can reach deep down inside of you and make you feel some stiff and seemingly unreachable piece of your heart.

I'll Keep the Things you Throw Away, Being Flynn, Badly Drawn Boy

How would it feel to never exist 

And how did it come to this 

Save your thoughts for another day 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

And you know you will never be me 

Save it all as a memory 

It's in the things we do and say 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

It would-a-been something, maybe nothing 

Maybe something, I don't know 

How there you lovers 

Welcome to this world 

Do not forsake your brothers 

Promise you my girl 

This is something you'll learn 

See those words, watch them fade away 

Now I have nothing to a-say 

Come on wait for another day 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

I though we were better than this 

Thought we'de be stronger than this 

I though we were better than this 

Thought we'de be stronger than this 

I though we were better than this 

I hoped we'de be stronger than this 

..... 

I though we were better than this

A Strange Count

"Because the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing."

The words from the article above are so true. To not tell friends that this has happened to me feels terrible. I'm glad I've shared it, even if I'm still throwing it out there as flippantly as I can with a cheery face, as if I could make someone feel less awkward or sad about the news.

It's been two months since the miscarriage. I had been feeling more evened-out emotionally about the whole thing. The physical trauma of it feels far away, but I'd be lying if I didn't experience small to large twinges almost every day: another friend on Facebook announcing a pregnancy, a baby catalog from the site I started a registry on, the hospital bills, seeing other people's babies, being around so many friends with new babies or are expecting. The past week has been one long twinge. Twinge is probably too light of a word. Maybe it's the March gloom, or hormones..

My best friend sent me this blog, and I couldn't describe it better myself: http://mylifeaftermiscarriage.wordpress.com/category/anger/.

I still feel as though I'm in a strange reverse world, where instead of eagerly counting the months until, I'm now counting the months since. And feeling a little resentful today, because even though I know too well that life isn't fair, and that even with my experiences I am still one of the very fortunate, I just don't want to have to endure this right now, and today I don't care it it's whiny and inconsiderate. I'm just having a day.. or a few days... I swear I'm not normally like this.

That being said, I think I'm doing pretty well with my Tiny Bucket List. The two things left are closet organizing (this weekend, maybe?) and the Happiness Project. We are technically back in TTC (trying to conceive) mode, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. No more excited anticipation. More pressure about whether it will happen or not. More fear about when it does happen. But, like with everything else, I will endure.