The words from the article above are so true. To not tell friends that this has happened to me feels terrible. I'm glad I've shared it, even if I'm still throwing it out there as flippantly as I can with a cheery face, as if I could make someone feel less awkward or sad about the news.
It's been two months since the miscarriage. I had been feeling more evened-out emotionally about the whole thing. The physical trauma of it feels far away, but I'd be lying if I didn't experience small to large twinges almost every day: another friend on Facebook announcing a pregnancy, a baby catalog from the site I started a registry on, the hospital bills, seeing other people's babies, being around so many friends with new babies or are expecting. The past week has been one long twinge. Twinge is probably too light of a word. Maybe it's the March gloom, or hormones..
My best friend sent me this blog, and I couldn't describe it better myself: http://mylifeaftermiscarriage.wordpress.com/category/anger/.
I still feel as though I'm in a strange reverse world, where instead of eagerly counting the months until, I'm now counting the months since. And feeling a little resentful today, because even though I know too well that life isn't fair, and that even with my experiences I am still one of the very fortunate, I just don't want to have to endure this right now, and today I don't care it it's whiny and inconsiderate. I'm just having a day.. or a few days... I swear I'm not normally like this.
That being said, I think I'm doing pretty well with my Tiny Bucket List. The two things left are closet organizing (this weekend, maybe?) and the Happiness Project. We are technically back in TTC (trying to conceive) mode, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. No more excited anticipation. More pressure about whether it will happen or not. More fear about when it does happen. But, like with everything else, I will endure.
fight on!
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