Stars

While looking for some inspiring videos to Tweet for work, I came across this dance performance on Dancing with the Stars. I don't watch this show much, but am happy to be inspired by this 17 year old girl who is legally blind but can dance so beautifully. It reminds me to be in awe of the human ability to overcome.

And incidentally, seeing the video reminded me of my recent discovery of this Grace Potter song.

I lit a fire with the love you left behind, 
And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside.
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window, 
I can't look at this place, 

I can't look at the stars, 
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, 
Up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, 
I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars

All those times we looked up at the sky, 
Looking out so far, 
We felt like we could fly.
And now I'm all alone in the dark of night, 
The moon is shining, 
But I can't see the light, 
And I can't look at the 

Stars, 
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, 
Up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, 
I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars

Stars, 
Stars, 
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, 
Up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, 
I know you've gone too far
So I can't look at the stars.

Nashville

I shouldn't just post when I'm having my anxiety-whatever-this-is moments. I really do have a great life, great friends, and a great career. And I'm pretty pleasant to be around, usually. 

I went to Nashville last weekend with some girlfriends- it's always nice to explore new cities. I imagine Broadway in Nashville is almost always noisy on weekends. Live music is blasting from every bar and people bustle around on the sidewalks, pack the balconies, and just seem to be having a great time- day and night. 

While I can't say I liked the Farmer's Market better than our own Findlay Market in Cincinnati, it was pretty decent. The building is huge, and has a flea market, restaurant, local farm/food, and plants section.

   

 There are a ton of lovely historic buildings (many have been repurposed.. or have been bars for a very long time).

 

Ryman Center

Hatch Show Print Shop

Hatch Show Print Shop

Patterson House (Speakeasy)

Patterson House

The Worst Version

Today I've been struck with a fear that I have become that crazy woman that I don't want to be!  It's a slippery slope. After the miscarriage, I read some books on fertility. Really liked Taking Charge of Your Fertility because it was really great information in general about the woman's reproductive system. Then I decided after last month's disappointment of getting my period that I would start charting my temperature. I know, what is happening to me? Then, I spent a good two hours this morning obsessively wondering about why my temperature is spiking up and down and hasn't stayed up after I should have ovulated. Then thinking that I will start using the pee strips. This all seems so ridiculous since it only took 2-3 months to get pregnant the first time. Obviously, I can, right? Who is this person?! EW!

I can't help but wonder how many more months I will have a mini meltdown when I get my period (which also seems to coincide with being suddenly inundated with pregnant women, babies, people talking about babies, people with babies, babies, babies, babies). I hate it because suddenly I feel like the worst version of myself. I don't want people to know about this worst version: she's jealous, angry, resentful, and miserable. It doesn't last long, at least in its more extreme forms. But it's there. You try living with her.

That Little Heartstring

My latest musical obsession has been Badly Drawn Boy. We watched Being Flynn the other day, mostly by accident when it was on TV. About 5 minutes into watching it, I had a feeling that the movie would be tugging on one of my heartstrings, and it did. The kind of tugging that feels painful but cathartic, like you might need to have a cleansing cry about it. It's a somewhat heart-wrenching but wryly written film about parent child relationships and coming of age. You should watch it. Anyway, Badly Drawn Boy wrote the entire soundtrack, and this is the song I particularly loved. There's something about a song that can reach deep down inside of you and make you feel some stiff and seemingly unreachable piece of your heart.

I'll Keep the Things you Throw Away, Being Flynn, Badly Drawn Boy

How would it feel to never exist 

And how did it come to this 

Save your thoughts for another day 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

And you know you will never be me 

Save it all as a memory 

It's in the things we do and say 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

It would-a-been something, maybe nothing 

Maybe something, I don't know 

How there you lovers 

Welcome to this world 

Do not forsake your brothers 

Promise you my girl 

This is something you'll learn 

See those words, watch them fade away 

Now I have nothing to a-say 

Come on wait for another day 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

I though we were better than this 

Thought we'de be stronger than this 

I though we were better than this 

Thought we'de be stronger than this 

I though we were better than this 

I hoped we'de be stronger than this 

..... 

I though we were better than this

A Strange Count

"Because the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing."

The words from the article above are so true. To not tell friends that this has happened to me feels terrible. I'm glad I've shared it, even if I'm still throwing it out there as flippantly as I can with a cheery face, as if I could make someone feel less awkward or sad about the news.

It's been two months since the miscarriage. I had been feeling more evened-out emotionally about the whole thing. The physical trauma of it feels far away, but I'd be lying if I didn't experience small to large twinges almost every day: another friend on Facebook announcing a pregnancy, a baby catalog from the site I started a registry on, the hospital bills, seeing other people's babies, being around so many friends with new babies or are expecting. The past week has been one long twinge. Twinge is probably too light of a word. Maybe it's the March gloom, or hormones..

My best friend sent me this blog, and I couldn't describe it better myself: http://mylifeaftermiscarriage.wordpress.com/category/anger/.

I still feel as though I'm in a strange reverse world, where instead of eagerly counting the months until, I'm now counting the months since. And feeling a little resentful today, because even though I know too well that life isn't fair, and that even with my experiences I am still one of the very fortunate, I just don't want to have to endure this right now, and today I don't care it it's whiny and inconsiderate. I'm just having a day.. or a few days... I swear I'm not normally like this.

That being said, I think I'm doing pretty well with my Tiny Bucket List. The two things left are closet organizing (this weekend, maybe?) and the Happiness Project. We are technically back in TTC (trying to conceive) mode, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. No more excited anticipation. More pressure about whether it will happen or not. More fear about when it does happen. But, like with everything else, I will endure.