Silence

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.”
― Ansel Adams

I've been driving to and from work largely in silence, lately. There are too many words and clutter and it really gets hard to see clearly sometimes. Too much about the ridiculous government shutdown. Talking points, talking points, talking points. No substance. 

Maybe it'd be more bearable if I haven't also been bombarded by a host of family issues. It's easy to retreat into my own little life here in Cincinnati, where the world still feels like my oyster, and it's for the most part, drama free. Unfortunately, the box of crazy that my mother has managed to open up following my dad's death over 10 years ago has been unrelentingly progressing down a course of total calamity. Dramatic words, I know, but you wouldn't quite believe me if I told you. And I've heard some crazy and sad stories in my line of work. One day I'm going to write a book about it.

If you have family members or other loved ones that are constantly in crisis, sometimes it feels like a boulder from which you'll never quite be able to extricate all your limbs. It's a lifetime of practice to be able to separate yourself from the smothering hopelessness to preserve yourself. It is a lot of work.

So, I've been driving in silence to drown it out. I tried something different this week. I committed to lighting a candle each day and just praying for my family. Nothing huge or crazy, but it was something more than what I've really done before. No harm to it, really, when it seems like there's nothing else to try. Some really great friends even fasted a day for me. *Somehow the rest of this post didn't get saved! Redo*. That same day, I got connected with a great resource and some referrals for my mom and sister. Nice.

Trying to savor the time I have for silence- I know there might not be a lot in the months to come, but I hope can can hold on to the memory of the peaceful nothingness, at the very least.

Oh, it's fall.

St. Mary's Glacier

Fall is the most wonderful season in the Midwest. The air is crisp, it's still warm enough to be comfortable, and it's usually sunny. It feels like the world has finally snapped out of the languid late summer haze and stepped into action. Plus, college football is back!

We had a lovely vacation in Colorado over Labor Day weekend (and then some). It was nice to mosey around our old haunts, see our friends, and to see some mountains. We were even able to hike up to St. Mary's Glacier. While it was a terribly slow hike between me being pregnant and neither of us having our mountain lungs anymore, the view by the lake and glacier was worth it. It's impossible not to feel a sense of renewed wonder when you are in the midst of perfect natural beauty. 

I (we've) made it halfway through this pregnancy! I still have moments when I'm sure something will go wrong and am scared, but really, I've been blessed and I know it. It hasn't been a particularly difficult pregnancy. It's been an interesting challenge to experience this radical change to my body. I'll just be glad to get to the other end and meet- her! 

As I am wont to do- here's a random list of my life, lately:

• In the middle of a great book (on tape) about introverts: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. Really fascinating. I am realizing more and more that I am an introvert (that loves people).
• Loved this amazing article in the Huffington Post about Generation Y: Why Generation Y Yuppies are Unhappy. It's so on the nose.
• Training mania at work. 
• Made a scrumptious flourless chocolate cake. 
• Enjoyed a small harvest of pretty tomatoes from the garden, and a relatively large harvest of jalepenos and green peppers.  Yum. Meanwhile, the garden has grown rather wild.
• Jumped back into Breaking Bad for second half of the final season. Don't regret at all just reading Wikipedia to catch up from seasons three and four, and glad to catch these very fantastic last episodes.

Serving "the Other Man"

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. -Clarence Darrow

When I left the Colorado Public Defender's Office, my beloved colleagues gave me a plaque with this inscription, thanking me for my time defending "the other man." I think a lot about the other man, both in the legal context and outside of it, because that "other" is often the same. Minority. Poor. Mentally ill. The least of these brothers and sisters. I really believe that if I care, then my life should reflect it.

Recently, I served dinner to the Over-the-Rhine community at Nast Trinity Church with my bar association. Nast Trinity serves dinner to the OTR community every Sunday evening. I'll be honest: I was tired from traveling and dreading going, even though I knew it was for a good cause. When I walked up to the church steps, right outside of beautiful Washington Park, there were homeless men and women scattered in various doorways. One person was curled up under an archway sleeping. Just inside the doors, the kitchen and dining area awaited. 

The small group of volunteers set up tables, made lemonade from powder in huge coolers, put together salad, heated up food, and then we served about 200 people in three groups. Most of our diners ate silently, the majority of the noise coming from us, the volunteers, chatting with each other or asking if anyone wanted seconds. I thought about this, compared to when I go somewhere to eat and get served. I thought about what it would be like to go eat somewhere out of necessity and not necessarily out of pleasure. I thought about how I have no idea what it would be like to sleep on a church step, or to plan your meals around the time there is free food available somewhere. 

It felt right to serve, though I don't know if my being there meant anything to the people I served. It certainly meant something to me. It meant that the other work I do, either volunteering at places like the CityLink Center or through my career, no matter how little change it seems to bring at first, does mean something for anyone I am able to push forward just a little bit out of poverty. It also seemed right to be of service to those who would never be treated the same way I am when entering a store or restaurant, and perhaps in most other times in their day walk around as the "other"- the lesser. I suppose in the end, all I'm saying is, for those of us who are more fortunate, it does our souls good to remember those who are not, and to see them face to face. 

Who Makes Up "National ______ Day?"

Today is National Book Lovers Day. I often wonder who comes up with these days and how it is that some mechanism out there wastes time on propagating "National" days. Not that I'm opposed to celebrating the love of books, since I love books. 

In honor of the day, I thought I'd list my top reads/recommended fiction from the last year, in no particular order.

1. The Cove, by Ron Rash
2. We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves, Karen Joy Fowler
3. Where'd You Go, Bernadette, Maria Semple
4. Wonder, R.J. Palacio (Young Adult)
5. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky (Young Adult)
6. The Book Thief, Markus Zusak (Young Adult)
7. Winter's Bone, Daniel Woodrell
8. This is Where I Leave You, Jonathan Tropper
9. This is How You Lose Her, Junot Diaz

In other news, I think I finally feel safe enough to type the words: I'm pregnant (again). 14 weeks tomorrow. Took us about 3 months again. It's been going pretty well, though I still feel like I'm holding my breath a little (or a lot). It's a little scary, and a lot is changing already. I'm happy but scared to be too happy. So many of our friends have had heartbreak after heartbreak. Then again, I feel guilty to be less excited than I should, because if this kiddo makes it to birth, we're pretty damn lucky. For those of you out there that are trying, so much love to you.

Deep breath. Here we go....

Inequality, Racism, and Individual Responsibility

There has been so much talk the past month or two about the Trayvon Martin verdict. I've been thinking about this a lot and discussing with my husband and close friends. So, disclaimer before I tell you what I think: I'm not an expert, though I have a public defender background that informs a lot of my perspective. This only reflects my personal views and not of any organizations I am employed by or affiliated with. In no way am I trying to minimize the tragic circumstances of Trayvon's death, his family's loss, and the larger issues of racism (which is still alive and well!!) and what this incident represents to the black community. These are just my thoughts on a really tough case and what this should mean for each of us, who are not directly involved. 

1. We should be respectful of the jury's decision, even if we might disagree. I still believe our justice system, though eternally flawed, is still the best in the world. I also know that what the media portrays and what actually happens through the course of the trial can be very different. I truly believe that most jurors take their charge to find someone guilty or not guilty very seriously. I believe that the jurors in this case took this seriously and made a decision based on the evidence presented. They are asked to lay aside emotion and all other circumstances and decide a specific issue: whether or not George Zimmerman committed the crime he was accused of. Even if they wanted to convict, they did not feel the prosecution proved its case based on the universe of law they had to operate within. 
2. George Zimmerman is responsible for creating the situation, but that does not necessarily mean he is guilty of the crime charged. Of course Trayvon's death should never have happened. Of course it would not have happened, had he not been unfairly profiled due to his race, gender, and appearance. However, that in and of itself is not a crime, according to the laws in Florida.
3. Vilifying does not solve the problem. Vilifying a defendant in cases like this does not further a solution to the very deep-rooted and on-going race issues in our country. It only serves to increase tension and strife, and in reality, perpetuates the unfortunate and insidious type of assumptions about another person that led to Trayvon's death in the first place.
4. Acknowledging humanity in others goes a long way. George Zimmerman failed to recognize the individual humanity of Trayvon Martin when he became "suspicious" of his behavior. I wonder what could happen, if he just acknowledged his own human failing in that situation- that he fell prey to his own biases. And what would happen if we ourselves acknowledged to ourselves that we all have our biases and extend forgiveness to each other for them? I think it might open the door for meaningful and life changing conversations- because I truly believe that most real change in perspective and understanding of others comes from direct, honest, and one-on-one conversations with a person that seems "other" to you. Maybe this means for us to make progress in racial healing, we have to extend the acknowledgment of humanity to George Zimmerman as well, even if he failed to do so for Trayvon. It means to set an example to him of what it means not to judge someone you don't know, and not to make assumptions about someone's entire person because of one action they take. 
5. If we purport to care about racial issues, we should act on this in our own lives, every day. There has been a fair amount of outcry and outrage over the verdict. I think it's important that this case is a catalyst for conversation, but the conversation has to be meaningful. It is not meaningful to label someone else a racist. It will not change that person's views or biases. It is meaningful to form relationships with people who are different than you, and to practice respect and extend dignity to everyone you meet, regardless of how deserving or undeserving you think they are. I think that genuine relationships or extensions of kindness are how you ultimately change hearts and minds.

I'm trying to remember to find the humanity in the people I encounter every day. (Read this great opinion article in the Washington Post by an amazing defense attorney about finding humanity in "society's worst").

Thoughtful discussion welcome.