That Little Heartstring

My latest musical obsession has been Badly Drawn Boy. We watched Being Flynn the other day, mostly by accident when it was on TV. About 5 minutes into watching it, I had a feeling that the movie would be tugging on one of my heartstrings, and it did. The kind of tugging that feels painful but cathartic, like you might need to have a cleansing cry about it. It's a somewhat heart-wrenching but wryly written film about parent child relationships and coming of age. You should watch it. Anyway, Badly Drawn Boy wrote the entire soundtrack, and this is the song I particularly loved. There's something about a song that can reach deep down inside of you and make you feel some stiff and seemingly unreachable piece of your heart.

I'll Keep the Things you Throw Away, Being Flynn, Badly Drawn Boy

How would it feel to never exist 

And how did it come to this 

Save your thoughts for another day 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

And you know you will never be me 

Save it all as a memory 

It's in the things we do and say 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

It would-a-been something, maybe nothing 

Maybe something, I don't know 

How there you lovers 

Welcome to this world 

Do not forsake your brothers 

Promise you my girl 

This is something you'll learn 

See those words, watch them fade away 

Now I have nothing to a-say 

Come on wait for another day 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

If you love something, if you love something 

Don't hide it away, don't hide it away 

I'll keep the things you throw away 

I though we were better than this 

Thought we'de be stronger than this 

I though we were better than this 

Thought we'de be stronger than this 

I though we were better than this 

I hoped we'de be stronger than this 

..... 

I though we were better than this

A Strange Count

"Because the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing."

The words from the article above are so true. To not tell friends that this has happened to me feels terrible. I'm glad I've shared it, even if I'm still throwing it out there as flippantly as I can with a cheery face, as if I could make someone feel less awkward or sad about the news.

It's been two months since the miscarriage. I had been feeling more evened-out emotionally about the whole thing. The physical trauma of it feels far away, but I'd be lying if I didn't experience small to large twinges almost every day: another friend on Facebook announcing a pregnancy, a baby catalog from the site I started a registry on, the hospital bills, seeing other people's babies, being around so many friends with new babies or are expecting. The past week has been one long twinge. Twinge is probably too light of a word. Maybe it's the March gloom, or hormones..

My best friend sent me this blog, and I couldn't describe it better myself: http://mylifeaftermiscarriage.wordpress.com/category/anger/.

I still feel as though I'm in a strange reverse world, where instead of eagerly counting the months until, I'm now counting the months since. And feeling a little resentful today, because even though I know too well that life isn't fair, and that even with my experiences I am still one of the very fortunate, I just don't want to have to endure this right now, and today I don't care it it's whiny and inconsiderate. I'm just having a day.. or a few days... I swear I'm not normally like this.

That being said, I think I'm doing pretty well with my Tiny Bucket List. The two things left are closet organizing (this weekend, maybe?) and the Happiness Project. We are technically back in TTC (trying to conceive) mode, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. No more excited anticipation. More pressure about whether it will happen or not. More fear about when it does happen. But, like with everything else, I will endure.

6 Years Ago Today...

I had a random dream about friends from college, which then somehow prompted me to revisit my old Xanga blog! No, I won't share the link with you, but I will share what I wrote Feb 11, 2007 for kicks. Things that apparently haven't changed: still love Regina Spektor, Real Simple, and "Mr. X" still circles around me dancing from time to time. 

Mr. X got me an awesome cd: Regina Spektor, Begin to Hope.  It's ridiculously catchy.  You should check it out.

While I find most magazines that are not a) scientific, b) literary (new yorker, atlantic monthly) or c) functional (cars, running magazines, etc.) are generally a waste of money... I got a subscription to Real Simple and I'm really quite in love with the magazine.  I guess you could put it under the "functional" category.

My room's finally clean enough to work in again.  It's nice.

And just for fun: we call this dancing.

No, this is how it works 
You peer inside yourself 
You take the things you like 
And try to love the things you took 
And then you take that love you made 
And stick it into some 
Someone else's heart 
Pumping someone else's blood 
And walking arm in arm 
You hope it don't get harmed 
But even if it does 
You'll just do it all again -Radio, Regina Spektor

Currently Listening Begin to Hope By Regina Spektor radio

Strange News: Amazing Story about a Russian Family

Weirdly enough, I found this article through GoFugYourself (a funny fashion blog I frequent and love): For 40 Years, This Russian Family Was Cut Off From All Human Contact, Unaware of World War II | History & Archaeology | Smithsonian Magazine. Kind of blows my mind.

30 Things I have learned in 30 years

Oh, it's true- I'm thirty. Three decades. Older and wiser? Who knows! Here's a random list of things I have learned:

On style:
1. Blow drying my hair in the morning makes my hair look way better.
2. Fashion that did not work for me: baggy clothes, midriff hugging or midriff baring shirts, too much pattern, too trendy, long skirts, open button downs with a shirt underneath.
3. How to apply make-up to my Asian eyes. (At least, I think I can)
4. Burt's Bees chapstick is the best chapstick ever.
5. I love A-line skirts and sheath dresses.
6. You can't go wrong with a pretty string of pearls.

On self:
7. I am a very hands-on person.
8. I must study in silence and in a cubicle so I can't people-watch.
9. I'm an extroverted introvert: I need my alone time.
10. I prefer small groups of people, or being alone in a crowd.
11. I am at my best when I feel I am being useful to someone.
12. I have a need for what I do to be taken seriously.

On relationships:
13. I'd rather invest in a small number of life-long friendships rather than many surface level friends.
14. In love, I need and have found a true partner who respects me and lets me be who I am, and is my best friend.
15. There might be no sweeter feeling than laying in bed laughing about something stupid with my husband.
16. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.
17. You have to be able to take care of yourself to take care of others. Learn to set boundaries.
18. I like bonding with people by doing activities together. Or eating.

On career:
19. The bar exam is really as miserable as everyone says it is.
20. Going above and beyond what is required in a job will always be appreciated.
21. Too many adult professionals don't actually know how to be adult and professional.
22. I'm a pretty good networker.
23. I love being a lawyer.
24. I have to work for a cause I believe in.

On life:
25. You have to accept and let go of what you cannot control, or you will make yourself crazy.
26. Whatever it is, I can survive it.
27. Being 30 is pretty awesome. I know myself and can love myself better than I ever have before.
28. A nice raincoat is a really great investment.
29. Remembering to stop and be grateful is good for your health.
30. Try to take yourself less seriously.